HOW TO CREATE AND MAINTAIN A HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
14 min read. By Neil Sharma
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
I’m often surprised at how little thought and consideration we give to finding and creating the right new relationship. Or, what it takes to maintain that successful relationship. I mean, you are potentially sharing months, years or your lifetime with a person that you may have given very little thought about. Funny enough, many people give more thought and conscious consideration to the new car, house or new MacBook they are thinking of buying. Those things are just… “stuff”. Relationships aren’t just “stuff”. A relationship isn’t a simple transaction. It’s a complex, intimate, dynamic, vulnerable, stressful, beautiful and connected dance with another person, that might require deliberate and focused internal and external consideration. Particularly if the end goal is a happy and long term relationship.
So why don’t we put more thought into the type of relationships we want? Because…well…thinking is hard. It really is. Just ponder for a moment how difficult it can be to learn a new language, or write a university paper, or even pick a simple movie from Netflix. I’m serious…there are thousands of movies and shows on Netflix. It can be so hard to pick. So hard in fact that Netflix uses technology to learn your viewing habits and suggest movies for you, just so you don’t have to frickin’ think! So, is it a shock that thinking about something profound, like what or who you want in a relationship, is hard?
I will add another layer of complexity to this. We often end up or jump into a relationship with someone because we are caught in a “sex fog”.
I mean it. Due to the joys of neurotransmitters like oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine (which are responsible for lust, desire, attachment and feeling good or rewarded), thinking and rationalization can be temporarily shut off due to the power of these hormones, in favour of a series of “feel good” hormone hits you experience while spending intimate time in the company of or rolling around in the hay with another person.
Before you know it, you have texted, met, slept with, and then slept with again and again, bought a whip, handcuffs, and a donkey…wait, what? sorry…nothing… started dating and put on or accepted a ring on your finger, before contemplating some important considerations.
So, having fucked up my marriage and other relationships in the past, and then analyzing, learning and correcting what I did wrong obsessively, for years, and then coaching clients successfully on it…I figured I could help others avoid the same fuck-ups by providing a few strategies to create and maintain a successful relationship. Or at the very least, offer a perspective you may not have considered before reading this.
Here goes.
Purpose. You need to know the purpose of having a relationship. Why do you want a relationship generally or with a specific person? Why do you even want a relationship? Purpose keeps you on track and gives you energy and motivation for the long term. Without it, how motivated will you be in a relationship, or to maintain one?
Here are a few examples of purpose.
I am ready to transcend the superficial and connect with a person (or multiple people if that’s your thing) on a deeply emotional, spiritual and physical level.
I am truly fulfilled in all the other areas of my life and feel ready to share my life with another person. I am also ready to embrace that person’s desire to share their life, perspective and energy with me.
I want to continue my lifelong journey into new and unexplored territory, happily, with another person.
But it may take more work than you think in arriving at the “purpose” of entering and sustaining a new and successful relationship. The decision should be contemplated deeply. In my humble opinion you might want to delve deeper into the purpose by taking the time to fully understand “why” you want to be in a relationship.
To this point, it may be important to ask the question: Is the root of the decision to create and maintain a relationship stemming from a feeling of say, loneliness, which finds its roots in the emotion of sadness? Because, if sadness is the root cause of your reason for entering or maintaining a new relationship, then a new relationship will only treat the symptom (the feeling of loneliness), instead of treating the root or core emotion of sadness.
The result may be a temporary removal of the feeling of loneliness because it is filled by the immediate relationship. However, because the core sadness isn’t fixed or addressed, the sadness will continue and may generate new or ongoing feelings stemming from and housed within the core sadness. Feelings that the new relationship can’t quench.
For instance, you may actually feel feelings of powerlessness, inferiority, depression, and maybe even continued loneliness despite being in a relationship. Which in turn will ultimately put strain or even destroy the new or burgeoning relationship.
And let’s be honest, it is also highly unfair to the person you are in the relationship with. Your underlying baggage and reasons for jumping into a relationship shouldn’t come at the expense of their upended life and loving but potentially fragile, heart.
Outcome. Now you know the big and important purpose of getting into a relationship. The next step is to consider the practical outcome and results you want from and within a relationship. Once you figure that out, you can take action.
So, what do you want from this relationship? Is it to get married? Do you want to have kids? To dress up in matching penguin outfits as foreplay? (No judgement if you do) Or, perhaps you want a trusted confidant or healthy workout partner? Do you want to build a home with someone? Perhaps you want all of the above and more?
This is also where you want to consider the physical and mental qualities and characteristics of the person you want to be with. Short, tall, blonde, muscular, well read, athletic or a couch potato etc. Irrespective, you need to identify what you want practically from the relationship, in a short, medium and long term context.
Beyond the practical and day to day “outcome” considerations, which, frankly, are kind of simple and relatively easy to identify and feel, there is a more important, and trickier consideration to examine.
Values. Shockingly, values are often ignored or overlooked when entering a relationship. The problem is, not only are values vital to the forming of a new relationship, but values are fundamental to the maintenance and success of a happy and long-term relationship.
Values help clarify and support what matters and who you want in a relationship and partner. Value alignment really is one of the key ingredients needed for a successful partnership. If your values aren’t identified and considered in both yourself and your partner, then what you are building does not have a solid core. You can buy a house, travel the world, have kids, and laugh like hell together with your partner. But if you have vastly different values than those of your partner, all the aforementioned experiences and things won’t be the glue that sustains a truly happy and successful relationship.
Values make up your identity, and are like fabric woven into your DNA. To change or modify your or your partners values, mid-relationship, or for your partner to do the same in order to create matching value systems, will be a herculean task, as these are the values you and they have learned, embraced, have guided and will guide the both of you throughout your lives.
Essentially you would be asking the person to change their entire identity. And while changing your own identity is possible and potentially an effective and desirable tool for improving and sustaining positive change in your own life (See upcoming articles on the importance of Identity), convincing, manipulating or trying to force your partners identity to change is the antithesis of building and sustaining a happy and successful relationship, as it would be founded upon control and force. Control and force…well…these two actions rarely produce anything beautiful in a relationship.
Some quick examples of values:
- Autonomy
- Honesty
- Kindness
- Loyalty
- Religion
- Stability
- Learning
So, practically, if you can imagine for a moment that all the above values were yours, and you come to learn…sometime in the future, after all the penguin costume fueled sex, that your partner doesn’t care about religion, or being honest, or being loyal…then, you may be in a relationship with a cheating, lying and dishonest heathen.
By the time you have figured this out, you may be married, bought a house or had kids with someone you never should have in the first place. And, just to make sure this horse is fully dead, repairing the relationship at this point may be impossible as you or they would have to change the fundamental value system and identity that has made them who they are their entire lives.
Take action. Now that you know your purpose, the importance of values, and the outcome of what you want in a relationship and person, you can take the steps to find, build, fuel, and maintain the relationship.
I’m not going to provide strategies on how to find a partner here…because I am confident between your network, Starbucks and Tinder…you have that covered.
What I will provide here is the following.
Assuming you have successfully found a suitable partner, it is now important to sit down and discuss both your and their purpose, outcomes and values with each other. See the above info on values for a refresher.
I don’t… mean… on the first date, you nut job. I mean, after a suitable amount of interaction has taken place. This time frame is different for every relationship. That said, I would think a few dates, conversations, and generally speaking…some amount of time in each other’s company is enough time to bring these important topics up. Hold off on intimacy as much as you can. See 3rd paragraph in the introduction explaining why.
If your purpose and values do match up, then have at it! Get out the handcuffs…the oils…the donkey…etc. Oh yeah, of course, don’t forget the candles and flowers, and chocolate yada yada…
Conversely, and as difficult as this may be, if your purpose and values don’t align (particularly values), then you need to walk away. It may seem really clinical and business like, but at the end of the day walking away will probably spare you both a long, painful, and frankly, pointless union.
But you aren’t done yet. Because taking action also means applying constant and sustained effort in the relationship. Because like anything new, the shine and excitement will wear off. This is where the real work starts.
To quote Mark Manson from his book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, “The person you marry is the person you fight with. The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job you take is the job you stress over. Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice—whatever makes us feel good will also inevitably make us feel bad. What we gain is also what we lose. What creates our positive experiences will define our negative experiences.”
So, I am using Mark’s quote to illustrate something simple. Your partner and relationship won’t always be a giant bag of fun. The once “shiny and new” partner, will start to dull. At this point it will take hard work and perseverance. You will need to fuel the love, novelty, lust, communication, intimacy, friendship, excitement, honesty, and commitment to each other regularly, in order to sustain a happy and lifelong relationship. Even with solid and aligned values, you still need to put in effort.
Guys, you will need to read books like “The 5 Love Languages”. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Ladies, you will need to let your hairy caveman have an hour, in front of the TV after work, before hoping to have a coherent and intelligent conversation. It may seem absurd, but it is the combined and purposeful myriad efforts that will carry you both into old age, together.
In short, you will both have to keep the spark alive by taking and scheduling deliberate time for all the above mentioned components, which serve to build the very important bonds and shared experiences that make a healthy and successful relationship.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
Not working? Try a different approach. Simple. Just don’t give up. Whatever efforts and strategies you both put forth may not be enough. You may need to come at the challenge from a fresh and new perspective. Sadly, it seems so much easier these days to just give up and start something new, with someone else.
For instance, “My husband, despite openly discussing this and our attempts at having more sex, isn’t satisfying me enough sexually. But who cares, the hot new intern with the tight ass keeps checking me out and I know I can have him. I think I will.”
Or, “My girlfriend doesn’t pay enough attention to me, even though we made a plan for more devoted time for each other…doesn’t matter, I can join a hook-up site and get lots attention whenever I want.”
The “giving up” list can go on and on and apply in numerous scenarios. The bottom line here is…the new shiny partner or relationship will also, guaranteed, lose their brilliance. They will break down and need a tune-up. They will gain weight, get sick, develop wrinkles like a Bulldog, and break down from the pressures, challenges and stresses of life. And so will you. Period.
The question really comes down to, are you going to bail or double down?
Because in those real and authentic times of pain, stress and uncertainty, your real commitment to your values rises to the surface. This is when the real test of how selfish and narcissistic you are, comes to light. This is when you come face to face with your true reflection. This is when you finally determine what the value and worth of your partner is to you.
Real and authentic love can only be given, received and experienced when you care and grasp somebody tight, realize loving them is a beautiful privilege entrusted to only you, and sacrifice your fleeting wants for a potential and rare love song that only the two of you will ever know the words to.
So, give it a shot. Love hard.
Some Books On Relationships That Will Also Help You
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. (The above books were amazing, but I personally found this book most enlightening).